Congrats, WGA...now make with the TV

Break's over! Back to work, people!

Residual rights, online downloading, percentages, blah-blah-blah... Just tell us when we get to see the next episode of "The Office" already.

Luckily, TV Guide has done just that. Turns out "Office" returns April/Mayish with 5 to 10 new episodes. Even better, "Bionic Woman" will never return with any new episodes this side of hell.

Click here to find out when and if your favorite show will be seen this year. Unless, like me, you count "The Unit" among your favorites, in which case they got nothing for you.

And according to "The Hollywood Reporter" that no news on "Unit" may be very bad news indeed:

"...The network's crime dramas and its Friday lineup also are expected to return by the end of March, while things don't look good for "The Unit" and "Cane," whose time slots had been taken over by "Big Brother" and "Jericho." The producers of "Cane" were informed Sunday night that the network won't be ordering more segments for this season, while its future beyond May is yet to be decided."

"Cane" I can understand, but "The Unit"? Please don't do this to me. It's a fine show with too many questions left unanswered.

If the strike just killed the last conservative show on TV, I'll never forgive. I may even start reading books again. I mean it. Don't mess with me. I'll start reading, so help me I will.

Obama's Joanie loves Cha-Che

"Obama/Stalin '08, may I help you?"

If you haven't seen this yet, take a gander, Capitalist pigs!

“I ended the problem with a .32 caliber pistol, in the right side of his brain…. His belongings were now mine.”

Yee-ikes... OK, next to a firing squad or relocation to a gulag in frozen Alaska, John McCain is suddenly looking not so bad.

"It Happened One Night" happens tonight!

Now playing on TCM, today at 5 p.m.

Libertas has a great regular feature highlighting upcoming films not to be missed on Turner Classic Movies. I really wish I'd thought of it first, but there's nothing to stop me from highlighting the ones they've missed, right?

Particularly in light of the recent discussion on the state of the romantic comedy over there, don't miss "It Happened One Night" TODAY (Monday) at 5 p.m. PST.

Still amazingly fresh after 70 whopping years, this is how it's done. That's 1934, folks, and it's quite an accomplishment. Only the Marx Brothers get similar high marx for a comedy shelf life on that magnitude.

In terms of screenplay structure, tone, pacing and so many other aspects, I'd venture to say no other film has been a bigger or longer-lasting influence on its genre. Not to mention the sub-genres of the buddy film, road film and buddy road film! (Also notable as the inspiration for Bugs Bunny's "What's up, Doc?" line in the scene with Clark Gable and the carrot.)

Not to be missed.

Top 11 ways John McCain will attempt to connect with the Obama youth vote

...because, brother, he's gonna need more than just ten.

1) Try working that "where's the beef?" line he keeps hearing about into stump speeches.

2) Enlist Bob Hope to warm up the crowd at his next debate.

3) Talk to "Snoopy" about gettin' him some "McC in the 08" chrome for his grill.

4) Start buying ties at Aeropostale to counter Old Navy image.

5) Rent a ska band.

6) Hand out "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts at next McCain Youth rally. (Also, find out who Pedro is, secure $5,000 campaign contribution.)

7) Land that sweet Richard Crenna endorsement he's been working on.

8) Change the name of the "Straight Talk Express" to the "iMcCain Xbus."

9) Forget Vietnam and start focusing on his capture by the Hessians earlier in his career.

10) Rent some of that "MySpace" in every major U.S. city for a place to crash when he's in town.

11) Dye his old guy hair a more youthful-looking gray.

Bang

Mitt's out. We're done. I hereby endorse Ron Paul. Heck, I hereby endorse Ronald McDonald at this point. Too bad the mail-in system in Washington state means we wasted our useless protest votes on Romney already.

Hillary ain't particular

Yep. She's a ho.

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to regurgitate HIV-infected baby food...

So, all you John McCain and Mike Huckabee supporters out there... Hope you're enjoying the beautiful new America your compassionate open borders policies are already bringing to fruition.

Or maybe HIV just needs a "fun monkey disease" image makeover?

Liberals to the left of me, liberals to the right

Don't miss this excellent new post over at Graybrook on the GOP's suicidal tendencies in '08.

"...in just about every appearance of John McCain the Maverick on a stage somewhere, he’s surrounded by some or all of the really hip guys in politics these days — forward-looking, cutting-edge visionaries like John Warner, Lindsey Graham, Jack Kemp, Joe Lieberman, Sam Brownback, Bob Dole . . . well, just go down the Senate cloakroom list and the roster of the Gang of 14 and the Who’s Who of Washed-up Washington pols and you’ll see what I mean. "

He's right in pointing out they don't call it the "Grand OLD Party" for nothing these days.

Sauidi cops abuse American woman. U.S. officials mildly annoyed.

Riyadh's Finest on patrol

Yeah, these people are on our side.

A U.S. citizen is arrested, apparently beaten and forced to sign a confession after Islamic religious police -- yes, actual law enforcement -- arrest her for sitting with a male coworker at Starbucks.

The Kingdom's thin blue line...keeping the streets safe from defenseless women so law-abiding oil billionaires can sleep without fear at night.

Best part? The zeal with which our government rushed to defend her: "Yara was visited this week by officials from the American Embassy, who promised they would file a report."

"Not yours to give"

...or "How Davy Crockett Nearly Convinced me to Vote Ron Paul"

UPDATE: Link fixed. Complete account now up for viewing.

My, how times have changed.

In fact, just try not to be distracted by that fact in a dozen other ways as you grasp the main point of this amazing account of how far the Republic has fallen since Davy Crockett sat in Congress.

I defended it at the time, but after this I realize how big a joke Billy Bob Thornton was in The Alamo a few years ago.

Osama bin Lopez

Are we the last sane country on earth? I mean, seriously...

Funniest part is how Osama works for tips.

Don't be a dip

By George, he's onto something

A new Seinfeld-inspired medical study is out, just in time for your neighborhood Superbowl party. Remember that whole chips-n-dip dispute involving everyone's favorite Costanza? The experts have made a ruling...

“The way I would put it is, before you have some dip at a party, look around and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here? Because you don’t know who might be double dipping..."

(And speaking of people you don't want to be sharing your dip with, thanks to Dean-o in Fresn-o for the heads up on this one!)

Free Sean Young!

You go, girl

I realize Sean Young has a reputation for being a little...unbalanced at times. But yelling at another long winded award nominee to move it along is very sane behavior. She should have been given an instant People's Choice Award instead of getting bounced from the joint.

Little People, Big Heist

Tjuv och Polis!

I lived in Sweden for a couple years as a teen. Apart from a few stolen cans of pepparkakor around Jul, we never had much of a problem with the wee folk. Seems there's a regular Keebler crime spree going on over there right now, though.

Out on a Ledger

So you're saying what exactly now?

They never miss an opportunity to bash Mel Gibson, do they?

...Barresi said a 'major Hollywood producer' told him that Ledger asked Gibson whether he should play the part of [Brokeback Mountain gay cowpoke] Ennis, and 'Gibson strongly counseled against it. The role apparently ran counter to Gibson's morality. And he felt that it would ruin Heath's career,' the News reported.

But Ledger ignored the suggestion and signed on to do the film anyway, leading to a rift with Gibson, according to the News.

When Gibson parted ways with Heath, it broke his heart, Barresi told the paper.

In the end, Ledger's performance in Brokeback won him critical accolades, an Oscar nomination and newfound respect as a serious, talented and complex actor, allowing him to shed his image as just another Hollywood heartthrob."

That would be critical accolades and newfound respect from everyone but audiences of movies anybody actually watches. And Ledger reportedly went out of his way during Brokeback's press junket to bash gays and otherwise distance himself from the role.

In other words, he knew Mel was right.

Heath's loss is a huge tragedy to be sure, no doubt ultimately to take its place among the great celebrity early deaths of all time. I guarantee it will also magnify his actual impact on the industry beyond all reality. (This is, after all, the guy who recently gave us the supremely lame Wassup Rockers.)

Chalk this one up to the "live fast, love hard, die young And leave a beautiful memory" phenomenon.

The Blob that ate...Lewiston?

Speaking of obscure creature features...

Studios open the vaults

Coming soon to DVD?

This just in from IMDB.

Hewlett-Packard has signed a deal with Sony Pictures to turn out DVDs from the studio's library whenever customers request them, the Los Angeles Times reported today (Thursday). The deal will allow consumers to order movies that ordinarily would not be stocked by dealers because they are too obscure or too old. HP indicated that it expects to sign similar deals with other studios. "We're hoping this provides another option to make available products that wouldn't necessarily garner widespread retail shelf space," Jason Spivak, head of strategic development at Sony Home Entertainment, told the Times. Added Doug Warner, head of HP's digital content business, "If studios can sell more catalog than previously, they can generate more money."

A brilliant idea long overdue. Now if they can finally get me that flying car they've been promising for 40 years.

Here's hoping Disney gets on board so I can finally get my hands on Return to Treasure Island: The Miniseries. (Only to have my youthful memories crushed by how cheesy it actually plays today, no doubt.)

Sports chick damns self at celebrity roast

Reporting from the Lake of Fire...

Dana Jacobson is an ugly bitch. Being a woman, she has a small brain, is inferior to all men and fit professionally only to give massages or wash the laundry of men. She slept her way into her job at ESPN, and given her looks, should be grateful even for that.

Shocked? Just making a point.

If someone in the public eye had said that, even at a roast, they'd be out of a job the next morning. If they'd said similar things about Jews, Martin Luther King or Mohammed, same result. (Actually, in the case of Mohammed, they might end up stabbed to death on a sidewalk in Amsterdam.)

But Jacobson can yell out "F--- Jesus!" for laughs and walk away with a (rumored) week-long suspension. She's reportedly been "disciplined," anyway, but the powers that be at ESPN refuse to confirm even this light slap on the wrist.

Hey, at least the assembled sports crowd booed Jacobson off the stage. When Kathy Griffin inspired her with last year's "Suck it, Jesus!" knee-slapper at the Emmys, she got a standing ovation.

The pair have reportedly also been given first-class tickets on a specially chartered bullet train to hell for use at a later date.

Giant plans for AT&T Park

Splash (on the right, as usual) at the feet of a Giant

Looks like the spectacular neighborhood of my beloved San Francisco Giants is about to get even sweeter. This news of the true Happiest Place on Earth will appeal to relatively few readers of the Wavelength. And by relatively few, I mean my relatives, most of whom are Giants fans. Click here, gang.

Delegates count

Curious how the current delegate-count stands for the Republicans or Democrats?

Click here for the running total and a slew of hypothetical head-to-head matchups for the ultimate prize. Not that you can believe the polls, but they are interesting. Mainly for the fact that they seem to indicate that Hillary would be easier to beat than B. Hussein Obama across the board.

As of this writing, the tally doesn't include Romney's just-in win in Nevada. He's in the lead for the GOP nomination for now. It'll be interesting to see if his new Rudy-esque strategy to gather just enough delegates from key states will bear fruit.

Could make for a real free-for-all come convention time.

Man, I can't wait for Super Tuesday. It's on like Donkey Kong, baby.