Monday, February 26, 2007

Things I learned watching the Oscars...

Uh-oh... He's doing comedy... Quick! Hit the 'Applause' sign!

1. Penguins do good impressions of George W. Bush and also believe he wants them “to live in a desert.”

2. Somebody at the Academy actually thought penguins doing Bush impersonations would be funny.

3. It is OK to wave the flag and root for your country on foreign soil -- as long as it’s in America and you’re not from there. (Applies to Oscar winners and illegals equally.)

4. Somebody at the Academy actually thought Ellen DeGeneres doing Billy Crystal impersonations would be funny.

5. Hollywood believes in affirmative action for matronly, no-talent lesbians. Care to host and/or take home one of those shiny statues? Rent a velvet Elvis tux, put your ditsy life partner in a Vera Wang dress and you’re off to the races. Also helps to write a cheesy rock anthem for “Al Gore’s Apocalypto.”

6. I liked Will Smith better on the red carpet, where he was the only star cool enough to long-reach over the tank barricades to sign autographs, pose for snap shots, and actually return the love his fans were offering. As opposed to Will Smith inside, pretending to laugh his pants off at Ellen DeGeneres’ lame jokes.

7. Jerry Seinfeld needs to host next year. We get it already, Academy… You’re diverse. Good for you. Now get back to delivering a good show. And so help me, if I see Whoopi there again next year...

8. Al Gore looks a lot like a puffer fish.

9. Melissa Etheridge looks a lot like Hillary Clinton.

10. Ellen DeGeneres looks a lot like the cashier at the Krusty Krab.

11. Red carpet interviewers can actually get in serious trouble now for not annoying the rest of us with “Who are you wearing?” It’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade all over again. (You know, the “parade” of endless commercial plugs and lame Broadway numbers performed by non-parading dancers?) But we wouldn’t want to stop the flow of free bling to the stars, forcing them to dig into their own pockets for evening attire. Never mind that those gift bags they get on the way out are worth more than the GDP of most of those impoverished African countries they visit for good deals on cheap babies.

12. Will Ferrell is apparently working on a bio-pic of Art Garfunkel.

13. Only 9 percent of Americans polled saw all of the Best Picture nominees. Just 31 percent had seen any of them. SHOCKER!

14. Sometimes good things do happen to good movies at the Oscars. Congrats to Helen Mirren, Forest Whitacker and Jennifer Hudson.

15. Absolutely nothing.

Bonus thing I learned…

Those Hollywood types are hypocrites. When asked if his (Oscar-winning) character’s pornographic pro (underage) sex and drugs rants from “Little Miss Sunshine” had an effect on young star Abigail Breslin:

Alan Arkin: I didn’t say or do anything around her. I insisted she had headphones on [or wasn’t in earshot.]
Ryan Seacrest: It’s rated R, isn’t it?
Alan Arkin: I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
Ryan Seacrest: Has she seen it?
Alan Arkin: Yeah, about 10 times, so it didn’t make a difference.

Guess what, Alan? Plenty of other kids are seeing it too.

Ah, Hollywood… Reminds me of William H. Macy on the “Tonight Show” last week, talking about how he restricts his daughter’s access to TV and movies. Like the ones he was cranking out by the dozen a year or two ago. Because the soul-sucking crap these people make for a living is good enough for the unwashed masses – and nicely pays the mortgage on that fenced-off 12-roomer in Pacific Palisades, thank you very much – but when it comes to their own kids…

OK, so maybe I already knew they were mercenary hypocrites. I just wanted to share.

Highlight of the evening…

Mickey Rooney, spotted on the red carpet on the way in. Sadly, being ignored by interviewers, from what I saw. Sure he’s on the short side… He was still the biggest star in the house.


Dale said...

Nice rant. I didn't watch the show and haven't seen a movie in the theater in a long time. If they can't support the troops, why should I support them?

Small quibble. I thought I read somewhere that gift bags were going to be much smaller this year. I could be wrong though.

KK said...

But how do you really feel about Ellen DeGeneres?
Just kidding, I agree with most of your "no-talent lesbians" rant. And I definitely would support Jerry Seinfeld as host. What do you think about adding Forest Whitaker from "The Last King of Scotland" to #14?

Cato said...

Came over here after seeing your comment on Libertas. I agree; conservatives too often rip each other's heads off while our real enemies stand on the sidelines, laughing. Having followed Libertas for some time now, I can't help but notice that Jason is a disappointingly frequent violator of Ronald Reagan's cardinal rule. I think it springs from a regrettable desire to appear cool and hip to his more libertarian readers. "I'm not one of those," is the not-so-veiled message he's sending.

Nice little blog you've started here. Keep it up. And belated congrats on the Kairos Prize win. Though I suspect we'll be hearing from the ancient Greeks who must be enraged that a Christian plagiarized their word to name a screenwriting award.

P.S. - Dale: The swag bags this year including $100k worth of "carbon offsets." As the Visa ads say: to the rest of us, worthless; to hypocritical Hollywood Learjet liberals, priceless.