'Jericho' sucks

Drive hard. Drive fast. Republicans are coming.

And the walls come a-tumbling down.

Yes, '24' has gone commie, 'The Unit' is getting the Marines-in-Berkeley treatment at CBS, and now even 'Jericho' is showing its true blue state colors.

It was never a great show on any level, but the depiction of old-fashioned, small town patriotism in the face of a nuclear attack had grown a respectable following. And not among anti-war protesters.

The now-famous "nuts to cancellation" campaign mounted by fans -- modeled after the WWII battle cry uttered defiantly in last season's war-zone finale -- saved a series that also happened to be anchored by the cowboy dignity of actor, and rare Hollywood conservative, Gerald McRaney.

We already knew the nuclear attacks on America were not from abroad. But last night's episode not only made it clear neocons were the bad guys, but it laid it on thick.

We learned Iran and North Korea were not the culprits. Forces within the American government did it, and used the "attacks" as an excuse to nuke both countries...which also happen to be the two remaining players in a certain real-world president's "Axis of Evil."

The true villains have now remade America in their image. A conservative image. Which we know thanks to the new textbooks they're forcing on schools. Textbooks with angst-inducing lies about America declining morally since WWII and losing Vietnam only because we left too early.

President McEvil, of course, wants a stronger, more secure America that requires literally tearing up the Constitution, as all good conservatives desire. In his spare time he enjoys ordering the assassination of journalists who dare profess a nostalgic respect for Woodward and Bernstein. Not just crusading journalists, the real Woodster and Bernie, because they took Nixon down.

The true leader of these post-apocalyptic Republicans? A chrome-domed Bond villain of a Homeland Security director who dictates to military commanders while looming overhead on Evil-Vision JumboTron, puffy white cat in hand. (OK, there's no cat, but you know he's got one.)

Oh, and don't forget the posse of murderous Blackwater contractors roaming around at the Republicrats behest, just in case the subtle message being sent by producer Jon Turtletaub wasn't clear enough.

Why am I wasting space on all this? I don't know. Slow news day, I guess. But it's a predictable pattern, isn't it? Dissent ist verboten on netverk TV!

For further evidence of this vast left-wing conspiracy at the networks, note, too, that 'Friday Night Lights' also has a target on its back... One too many evangelical church services and heartfelt prayers depicted without irony there for that one to last long.

So I guess that leaves us exactly...um...Pat Sajak?

Speaking of 'Friday Night Lights,' fans have mounted a 'Jericho'-like campaign to save that show, too. Go here to participate. Just don't be surprised if it returns with Coach Taylor replaced by a gay illegal alien with a mind to rock their racist redneck world for the freedomes of all peeples.