Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Exclusive 'Lost' Season 5 details

Tonight's the night for the big season premier, and we have your exclusive preview right here!

Rumor has it the remaining survivors start to feel the effects caused by the island being moved, and Jack and Ben begin their quest to reunite the Ocean 6 -- along with Locke's body -- to return to the island.

Meanwhile, lovable rogue Dubya discovers the real world repercussions of his time away from humanity when he awakes in Midland, Texas, and realizes he's the only English-speaker left in the southern United States. And that he appears to have aged at six times the normal rate.

Back on the island, Barack assumes office only to find a cryptic note from Al Gore warning him to "press the Green button" every five minutes precisely or risk the Party's destruction.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer literally charms the pantsuit off Hillary, who renounces lesbianism. But with Bill's language skills improving daily, will her plan to salvage their marriage remain a secret, or will he discover the truth -- and resort to murder in order to maintain his mystic connection to the island lifestyle?

Returning to Venezuela, Hugo's descent into madness culminates in his rise to the presidency. Speaking at the U.N. the day after Barack, Hugo shocks the world by declaring that the podium "smells like the fried cheecken and peanut butters," bringing unprecedented sanctions from the Security Council and NAACP. Hugo retaliates by cutting oil shipments to the entire world and funding Danny Glover's production company with a billion dollars.

A subplot also emerges based on last season's heartbreaking "Recovering Nicely" episode, in which a powerful Massachusetts senator mysteriously dies and comes to life again roughly every third episode.


In the very first episode, while moving to shut down The Others' compound at Guantanamo, Barack accidentally unleashes a new and powerful turbaned Smoke Monster on the beach party being held by the Hollywood castaways awaiting rescue. Witnessing the particularly gruesome death of Leonardo DiCaprio (attempting escape on a waverunner), a desperate Barack seeks council from the ghost of Dick Cheney at the cabin...but receives only cruel laughter in return.

And finally this season, Kate will reportedly reject both Jack and Sawyer when hunky newcomer Splash emerges from the surf in what critics are calling "the sexiest arrival since Daniel Craig in Casino Royale."

Looks like we're in for the craziest, most unpredictable season yet!

The recap show airs at 8 p.m. with the premier at 9 on ABC.


Mr_Magoo said...

In episode two, Obama accidently nukes Mexico and the liberal media are forced to cover for him and spin the headlines to read “President shares new energy technology with neighbor.”

(Can't take credit. Story plot by JohnFNWayne from comments read over at

Garry J. Moes said...

Brilliant! I nominate Splash for an Emmy for best satire in show biz commentary, Washington (State/D.C.) and Hollywood divisions. No kidding, that was super clever stuff.

Splash said...

Thank you, sir. I aims to please!