Demb & Demberer

These live debates are a real bitch

I'm just watching the Democratic debate here. So...boring...

Allow me to share my impressions:

Hillary. That voice. It's just phenomenal. I was doing dishes with the water on, the kids running around like maniacs, my wife sizzling dinner on the stove (and sizzling herself), and I could hear every word Hillary said. I swear the woman could out-shrill a blender on "liquefy" -- my experiment for the next debate maybe.

John Edwards is such a doof. He actually thinks he can win by slamming Hillary's Senate vote declaring Iran a terrorist state? In his desperation for traction he's just put himself in the position of defending Iran's Qud Force and Revolutionary Guard. Way to make Hillary look good, moron.

B. Hussein Obama... Said something about bringing people together and moving the country forward. I think. (I never remember the words, but oh how says 'em. So clean for a black man in politics too, right Joe?)

Bill Richardson, all talk and proud of it. ("We need to talk to North Korea, we need to talk to Iran, we need to talk to Syria...") Runner-up Richardson highlight -- calling Obama holier-than-thou and unkind to Hillary. Translation: Veep me up, Hilly!

Chris Dodd: "Blah, blah, harrumph! Blah, growwwl! Blaahhh!" [Repeat rapidly as possible without passing out until buzzer sounds.]

Joe Biden... Ouch. Mispronounced "Giuliani" while unleashing his big anti-Rudy zinger. Looking more and more like Burt Bacharach every day. Almost a Vegas lounge singer vibe. Give that man a martini and purple smoking jacket.

Li'l Dennis Kucinich... Aww. Look how cute he is... Give the little feller a phone book to stand on already. I'm suddenly reminded of a line from my friend Mike Rinaldi's latest film script. Kucinich does look like "a little fudge packer." (You know, the ones who live in that tree and make cookies?) And did he just admit to seeing a UFO?

Man what an ordeal. Think I'm swearing these off until the Republican/Democrat debates. Luckily, "Cavemen" starts in 10 minutes. Time to raise the IQ level around here.