Tom Swift, eco-genius

This I might pay to see. The actual pitch? Not so much.

"A Tom Swift movie? Cool," said I when I read the headline.

" 'I grew up basically reading comic books and Tom Swift,' [producer] Hecht said. 'The books always gave you something unexpected and brought the reader this feeling that 'I can be an inventor. I can do that.' "

"True dat," I tells myself. "The kids today, they need the classic All-American can-do."

"Because of the property's heritage and family nature, Hecht said it would have the 'boomer equity' that has boosted the B.O. of many recent franchises."

"Heritage and family. Preach it," I says, shaking off the bad vibe that 'boomer' reference gives.

"Eventually, the series was modernized and taken in more of an edgy, graphic-novel direction."

"Uh-oh..." I goes.

" '...The initial concept is to posit that Swift Industries is now a leading 'green technology' company, giving the 20th century series a modern twist."

Annnnnd scene.

Yep, looks like someone has their pretend Nobel Prize for peace and real Nobel Prize for science mixed up again.

So with WWII thoroughly deconstructed, and Tom Swift about to get his Greenpeace on, all we need now is that gay biopic of Abe Lincoln and we'll achieve paradise on earth. (Dollars to carbon offsets Al Gore is the big cameo here, too.)

I just can't wait for the official title. Could go many exciting and boomer-friendly directions:

Tom Swift and his curly light bulbs!

Tom Swift and his ozone-replenishing ray gun!

Tom Swift and his recycled fecal matter compost machine!

Who says Hollywood doesn't know how to have fun anymore?