Introducing...the retrosexual

I think this speaks for itself. Like a man. And if you don't like it, baby, you can hit the road.

Up, up and away

Of all the skydiving French Charlie Browns in the world, this guy has to be the Charlie Browniest. I think we can all relate, can't we?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

Strike that, reverse it

Mr. Bean's Holiday: Island Edition

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Forget all that crap I was saying about the new Robinson Crusoe. Both Sam Neill and Sean Bean just signed on for this thing. That's Reilly, Ace of Spies and Richard Sharpe, folks. And suddenly this one shoots to the top of my must-see-TV list in a big way.

Cameras will roll in the U.K., South Africa and some weird and exotic place called the Seychelles. No idea where that last one is, but it's not the cheesy sound stage where they shot M.A.S.H., so I'm stoked.

Now just sign Daisy Fuentes or a computer-generated young Raquel Welch and this could very well be the best thing ever on TV.

Post-Christian America?

Pat Buchanan's latest takes a look at the California high court's gay marriage ruling, describing it as "just another streetlight on America's darkening path to perdition as a society and republic."

While first making the case for marriage and children as the cinderblocks of society -- crumbling already from decades of fatherless children and rampant divorce -- he then rightly suggests this new development will only hasten the knock-down of our house of cards.

"We are supposed to be a self-governing people. "Here, sir, the people rule." Elected representatives write our laws.

Yet, no Congress or state legislature ever voted to declare homosexual unions a marriage. The idea has everywhere been rejected. Wherever it has been on the ballot, same-sex marriage has been voted down. In the 13 states where it was on the ballot in 2004, it was defeated by 58 percent to 85 percent -- the last figure rolled up in Mississippi, where black Christian pastors told their flocks to go out and vote down the abomination..."

It may be the fault of our leadership for not resisting, but in reality it's our fault for voting pragmatically (or reactively, which we're about to do for McCain on the national level) as opposed to voting on principle to elect rigidly principled leaders. Gray Davis was incompetent, so we elected someone with a strong image, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who -- as predicted by conservatives -- is every bit as morally wimpy as Davis.

"...Not long ago, a governor of California would have laughed at the court and told the justices to go surfing, and ordered state officials not to issue the marriage licenses. The voters would have put the names of the four justices on the ballot in November and thrown them off the court, as they did Chief Justice Rose Bird, a generation ago.

We used to have executives and legislators like that.

Thomas Jefferson came into office and declared the Alien and Sedition Acts null and void, released all editors from jail, and refused to prosecute any more or to enforce the law. Andrew Jackson said of the great chief justice: "John Marshall has made his decision. Now let him enforce it."

McCain refused to support Ellen's wedding announcement, but could barely get it out above a whisper. His even more ashen than usual complexion spoke volumes: just...make it...through November!

Pat Buchanan hopes cities will form the next line of defense. But if this country is to survive it's going to take thousands of small rebellions from the next largest cinderblock of society -- churches. Which in turn can reform and lead their communities through mayors and city councils willing to stand on the constitutionality of self government.

Yet even that will only be window dressing unless accompanied by renewal of individual souls on a mass scale. As a wise man once said, "America is great because she is good. If America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great."

There is no "New World" left for any future sailing of the Mayflower II. We've gotta fix this here and now, or the first true Dark Age of Western Civilization will descend upon us.

Gettin' my geek on

Back in style, baby

Sure I was just mocking Star Wars nerds, and I'll do the same to Trekkies at the earliest available opportunity, but I proudly don my prosthetic ears and plastic sword for Hobbit news anytime. And expect to see me in 'em often between now and the tentative release years of 2009 and '10.

Latest news here (scroll down) and for the uber-geeky who wish to personally hold Jackson and del Toro's hairy feet to the secret fire, here.

NBC's fall lineup, Office spinoff, Abrams' new show

The peacock network recently announced its fall '08 and spring ('09) slate, including -- how sweet it is -- a spinoff of 'The Office.'

No word on who at Dunder-Mifflin will take the 9:30 Thursday slot behind 'Office' itself, but past rumors have indicated Dwight might be the big winner pulling down the overtime.

According to a Hollywood Reporter piece early last month, one episode would "serve as a backdoor pilot for a spinoff."

But while the season finale took a few crazy turns, nothing indicated Dwight was going anywhere. So who then? Toby? Ryan from prison? Who cares? More 'Office' any way, shape or form is nothing but good.

"Robinson Crusoe" is also still a go for this fall, too. Despite my initial razzing of what sounded lame, Philip Winchester has since been cast in the lead. Winchester is a Christian and all-around good guy, so I'll sure give it a shot.

Then there's 'Kings'...

...an inspiring exploration of the timeless David vs. Goliath struggle. The show is set in a modern metropolis under siege where the fighting has gone on for too long and cost far too many lives.

When David Shepherd (Christopher Egan), a brave young soldier, rescues the king's (Ian McShane) son from enemy territory, he sets events in motion that will finally bring peace. Suddenly, David is thrust into the limelight, earning the affections of women -- including the king's daughter.

When he's promoted to captain, he becomes the reluctant poster boy for hope. But for David, the line between his allies and enemies will blur as the power players in the kingdom go to great lengths to see him fall. Sebastian Stan also stars. Michael Green (NBC's "Heroes") and Francis Lawrence are executive producers.

So nothing like the timeless tale of David and Goliath, then. And "David Shepherd," huh? Yikes.

Even more dubious sounds 'Merlin'...

...an exciting, hour-long fantasy series set in the mythic city of Camelot -- but inspired by 21st Century storytelling. Before Merlin (Colin Morgan) and Arthur (Bradley James) became legends, they were ambitious young men looking for adventure, hoping to live up to their family's expectations, discovering love and finding their own true destiny, making mistakes along the way.

King Arthur as a buddy-cop, Dawson's Creekish, road picture? Just sounds beyond awful, particularly on a TV budget, but I may give it a shot. And by "shot" I mean 10 minutes, use of the word "dude" or any hint of an American accent, whichever comes first.

(Full details on NBC here.)

Fox's fall lineup includes hints that "Prison Break" could make its final run this season. I hope so. The concept was great, but it's not one that can go on indefinitely.

The only new show here that has me interested is...

Fringe

(Sci-Fi Mystery Drama, Tuesdays 9pm)
When an international flight lands at Boston's Logan Airport and the passengers and crew have all died grisly deaths, FBI Special Agent OLIVIA DUNHAM (Anna Torv) is called in to investigate. After her partner, Special Agent JOHN SCOTT (Mark Valley), is nearly killed during the investigation, a desperate Olivia searches frantically for someone to help, leading her to DR. WALTER BISHOP (John Nobl), our generation's Einstein.

There's only one catch: he's been institutionalized for the last 20 years, and the only way to question him requires pulling his estranged son PETER (Joshua Jackson) in to help. When Olivia's investigation leads her to manipulative corporate executive NINA SHARP (Blair Brown), our unlikely trio along with fellow FBI Agents PHILLIP BROYLES (Lance Reddick), CHARLIE FRANCIS (Kirk Acevedo) and ASTRID FARNSWORTH (Jasika Nicole) will discover that what happened on Flight 627 is only a small piece of a larger, more shocking truth.

From J.J. Abrams ("Lost"), Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the team behind "Star Trek," "Mission: Impossible III" and "Alias," comes a new drama that will thrill, terrify and explore the blurring line between science fiction and reality.

Orci and Kurtzman also penned the underrated "The Island" as well as "Transformers" for Michael Bay, so this could be good.

Sucks to be South African

That would be black on black violence

Until recently it only sucked to be white and South African.

First, after fleeing oppression in Europe, you carve the only successful modern nation in Africa out of the wilderness over several hundred years, only to be forced to hand it over to the Marxist natives due to pressure from Danny Glover and Hollywood-informed global public opinion. Then, you're forced to stand by watch helplessly as your paradise crumbles into the car-jacking and rape capital of the industrialized world. (I reference again the car marketed in S.A. during the 1990s featuring a flame-thrower undercarriage.) Then, just when things were looking moderately stable...it now sucks to be black in South Africa, too.

Doesn't help when the Marxist natives have left guys like this in charge of keeping the peace purely for his Marxist loyalties and the (non white) color of his skin.

Wait, did I say things were looking moderately stable? Get ready for the next round of abuses against whites. According to this and this, the S.A. government has now voted in the right to seize white farms Robert Mugabe-style, and we all know how that turned out.

From top link:

South African President Thabo Mbeki [Splash: Mbeki is a close friend of Mugabe and rumored to be housing him] called for an investigation into the violence. He has been reluctant to describe it as xenophobic because many South Africans have criticized his government for not doing enough to deal with the crisis in neighboring Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe is in the midst of an economic collapse, with nearly 80 percent unemployment and inflation estimated to be at 160,000 percent. "

Yep, sucks to be South African.

I now pronounce you completely retarded

Beep-beep-boop?

Yes, a 'Star Wars' themed wedding. And you thought your tux was a bad choice in retrospect. (Don't tell the groom, but it looks like Jabba swallowed his bride.)

Shouldn't surprise me these...things...are...happening when there's an Alabama Star Wars 'syndicate' run by someone named Justin 'Phoenixtear' Johnstone.

Ah heck... Let's give the original hero with a thousand faces some love while we're at it.

'Caspian' gets the Dirty Harry seal of approval

Call it cyber peer pressure, but hey, everyone else is linking to this review, so I might as well, too. Anything to boost awareness of the apparent awesomeness of 'Caspian,' says I.

"...While the special effects are much improved over those in Wardrobe, which were often cheesy, the characters are never lost in the grand spectacle. The plot is refreshingly simple, but the characters and their relationships are not, and even during the grandest of battle scenes, which are exceptionally well-choreographed and shot, the humanity of the people fighting the battle remain the focus.

....Other notable performances include The Mighty Peter Dinklage as the dwarf Trumpkin, who suffers the patronizing indignity of his size with a series of memorable laugh-out-loud asides. His best moment, however, comes at the end when the cynic is finally made to understand what he was really fighting for. If you loved Shrek’s Puss n’Boots, get ready for Eddie Izzard’s hilarious and warm interpretation of the gallant mouse Reepicheep who should be charged with felony scene stealing.

....Like a great 1940s swashbuckler, Caspian never crosses the line from action into violence, and yet there’s still plenty of suspense and a sense of the real stakes involved in life and death. In the breathtaking climax, which rivals those in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the thrills are a result of your affection for the characters not from anything visceral.

The Christian theme is not only stronger in Caspian than in Wardrobe, but integrated more naturally into the story — slowly building with events until it perfectly climaxes at the end for maximum emotional effect. This is not some new-age Christian allegory where if you fall to your knees in some sun-dappled field and raise your hands to Jesus all your problems will go away. As in life, God is not a deus ex machina. There’s a bigger picture at work — a master plan — and it’s up to us to find our place within that plan, not the other way around. What Would Aslan Do? No. What Would Aslan Want Us To Do?..."

Another fine review from the best unpaid film critic in the biz. Be there Friday and help supersize opening weekend with me, won't you?

Springtime in the workers paradise

As the old saying goes, April showers bring May Latino Communist rallies in Los Angeles.

Don't miss this eye-opening slideshow of the future of America.

I used to say the quickest way to solve illegal immigration is to simultaneously throw a chain around every Wal-Mart in Fresno County, where the racist gringos now make up just 38 percent of the population. Looks like it's going to require rounding up half the population of Los Angeles at this point. (Forget racial profiling. Target anyone in Dodger blue.)

The sad thing is, it's nearly as bad in Yakima, Washington, about 40 minutes from our house and just a few hours from the Canadian border.

Best part? Upon gaining citizenship -- which we're granting as fast as we can crank out the paperwork and translate "raise your right hand please" -- these selfless, well-educated people steeped in Jeffersonian ideals get to vote in both the U.S. and Mexico. (Yeah, those Glenn Beck types are a bunch of conspiracy nuts.)

And President Bush is okay with all this. As are most big-hearted Americans who never see it coming until the hometown in which they grew up has been transformed beyond recognition or repair.

Compassionate conservatives... Angry liberals... Same results!

(Hat tip, Dirty Harry's Place.)

Making a Splash

In case you haven't visited Dirty Harry's Place in awhile, now is a great time to do so. Mainly because I'm the featured reader interview this week. Best of all, I'm being interviewed by none other than my hero, Rufus. T. Firefly, ruler of Freedonia. Even without me, though, this is an excellent, informative and entertaining blog that comes highly recommended. Click here to enjoy me talking about me.

News Flash! Hollywood going to hell!

"It' s getting hot in here, let's take off all our clothes...!"

Between Zack and Miri Make a Porno and now this spirit-lifting tale, it's nice to see Hollywood's getting back to the business of connecting with middle America, isn't it?

I say again, to any crazy A-rabs in the final stages of an actual functioning plan, if you absolutely have to pull the trigger, and you don't want your country nuked off the map, Southern California is your best bet. We're just not gonna miss it that much. I'd even consider helping distract Jack Bauer for you, but he's too riddled with guilt to pose a threat these days.