Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Busted! The Fun Police name 10 worst toys

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball

As a parent, I'm as vigilant as the next guy on what my kids play with. If I had a dime for every time I've done the Heimlich after a trip to Dollar Tree, I'd be a rich man. (Just kidding.)

But most of the toys on do-gooder outfit W.A.T.C.H.'s "most dangerous" list are just goofy.

Nunchuks that may cause "impact injuries"? Sounds like a quality item, Clark.

Shotguns that shoot real rubber pellets? The perfect uppity-sister personal defense weapon.

A giant inflatable ball you can crawl into and careen down a hill into traffic? Coolest. Toy. Ever!

Seriously though. They rail against Spider-Man roller skates, not because they're poorly made, but because...
"Street Flyers LLC recommends on the toy's packaging that children ages 3 to 6 wear helmets, wrist guards, and knee and elbow pads while using these. However, the toy only comes with knee and elbow pads."
What, no calling out the fork in our Disney Princesses place setting for not having cork eyeball protectors for the pointy end?

And Playskool's pull-along puppy is consigned to hell for having a pull string long enough to use. Should be no longer than 12 inches, they say.

That last one really bugs. My kids have a toy xylophone with a mallet tethered six inches from one end, so close you couldn't even play it. (We, of course, cut it free and replaced it with a jagged, rusty Slinky from 1947. Works like a charm and doubles as really effective nunchuks!)


Dean said...

"Rusty slinky from 1947." Hilarious.
Ah, the toys I had growing up in the 1960s. "Clackers," a 3-foot rope with a hard plastic ball on each end, that you grasped mid-rope and bounced the balls off of each other below the 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock positions. When you got going fast, you bounced them off of each other at the 12 o'clock and 6 o'clock positions.
Cooking rubber monsters using "plasti-goop" in a little fryer on my carpeted bedroom floor on Saturdays before the cartoons started.
The candy cigarettes that even had a little red cherry on the end.
TV cigarette commercials:
"Winston tastes good- like a cigarette should"
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel"(then the guy would show the bottom of his shoe with a hole in the sole).
"Par-liament cigarettes."

Like George Carlin said, kids today are worshipped by yuppie, soccer mom, SUV-driving parents and are overprotected. They have no clue what a scab is.

Dean said...

"Clackers" were great toys. They've removed any element of danger to toys nowadays, consequently removing the fun. What's an eye? That's why we have two.
Hey, you take a risk when stepping out the front door of the SplashCave.


Splash said...

Great memories, Dean. They were phasing out candy cigs when I was a kid. I still remember how cool it felt to wrap your lips around an [almost] gen-u-ine smoke. Seems like half the pack always came broken, though. I also remember that candy cocaine they used to have. I think they called them Pixie Stix. Really gummed up the sinuses as I recall.

Mrs. P said...


A. Don't know about you but our boys are getting machetes and flame throwers for Christmas and

B. You just STOLE MY POST! I wuz gonna post on that. Yes, it would appear that my hubby is right and we all share the same twisted sense of humor.

Splash said...

And you'd probably have a funnier take on it, too, Mrs. P. We'll have to start coordinating these things!