Thursday, January 15, 2009

BOMBSHELL: Barry Bonds wasn't lying!


Looks like Barry may be in the clear. I mean, he was definitely on the Clear, but when he said he wasn't on steroids he may have been telling the truth as defined at the time of his testimony.
" 'This case has been presented as Barry Bonds lying about steroids,' said Christopher Cannon, a San Francisco defense attorney with extensive experience in federal perjury cases. 'The government’s theory is that he was taking the Clear. If the government knows the Clear wasn’t a steroid – then when Barry said he wasn’t taking a steroid, he was telling the truth.' ”
This of course assumes the Clear and the Cream were all he was on. If that's the case, even his "enhanced" career may yet merit him a fastball's chance in Cooperstown.

(And if that statement doesn't draw a comment from a certain Spokane-based known reader of mine, nothing will!)

Iowahawk: Upcoming 2009 releases


They're laughing at, not with you, Hollywood

This one speaks for itself. Funniest stuff I've seen in a long time. Don't miss Silenced Wood; Oh, Hell No; and The Royal Fluffers. (Thanks to reader Mr_Magoo for the heads-up!)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Virginity auction hits $3.7 million

I don't make this stuff up, folks.

Movie stuff


It's been nice scouring the trades lately and noticing a marked drop-off in politically themed stuff. A few of the more interesting bits of news lately...

-- Jackie Chan is reportedly being tapped to play Mr. Myagi in the Karate Kid remake. I'm just wondering, is the original's winning underdog formula enough to overcome the stink this project is projecting so far?

-- Also, I hope I didn't throw a monkey wrench into Liam Neeson's works with my comments to Steven Spielberg the other day. Because you know Stevie hangs on my every word.

-- Nor did I realize John Carter of Mars was being directed by Andrew Stanton. If you're not familiar, don't let the Molly Hatchet, 1970's van art throw you. The book was written in long forgotten days of yore by Edgar Rice Burroughs, so it could be fun.

-- I told you Tron 2 was going to be big. Looks like people are already trying to ride its wave.

-- Can't say I'm as confident knowing what to expect from Disney's prequel to "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." I assumed this was based on Craig Titley's script, famous for landing on the 2007 Black List (the annual list of best unproduced screenplays as voted on by the industry).

But now I see that this is Disney's hurried move to beat another studio to the punch, which to my knowledge has never produced anything good in times past. (Witness the Robin Hood race in the early '90s, or the sucktastic Alexader the Great film secreted by Oliver Stone to beat Baz Luhrmann more recently.)

I have no idea, but since Nemo is to be a more sympathetic character, I fear his original mission to punish man's inhumanity to man might be justification enough to put a save-the-planet environmentalist spin to things.

-- Finally, just to slide back into the muck of politics, this one (Infiltrator) looks well worth tracking over the coming months. I never saw "House of Saddam" but neither that nor this one look at all incompatible with us movie fans who prefer to sit on the right side of the multiplex aisle -- except maybe the fact commie billionaire Mark Cuban is executive producing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Breaking winds of change!

A world of truth wrapped up in 1 minute, 39 seconds of YouTubey goodness. (Courtesy of Big Hollywood.)

Gitmo alumni keep on truckin'!

Despite the fact Guantanamo is supposedly such a force for oppression and civil rights violation that Obama has sworn to close it down, the Pentagon reports that 61 former inmates have returned to the ranks of active terrorism.

For some reason I'm suddenly remembering Nicholas Cage in a certain scene from Raising Arizona. Standing in for Mr. Cage in our production today will be Achmed the terrorist. Playing the parts of the parole board officials will be President Obama and Sen. Harry Reid

Obama:
They've got a name for people like you, Achmed. That name is called "recidivism."

Harry Reid: Repeat offender!

Obama: Not a pretty name, is it Achmed?

Achmed:
No, sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me any more.

Obama: You're not just telling us what we want to hear?

Achmed:
No, sir, no way.

Harry Reid:
'Cause we just want to hear the truth.

Achmed:
Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.

Obama: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?

Achmed:
Yes, sir.

Obama: Okay, then.

CUT TO: Achmed sprints from the gates yelling "Allah Akhbar!!", jumps into a waiting car, which promptly rams the courthouse and EXPLODES.

OK, I made that last part up, but close enough.

There was some good news in that report, though. For the mainstream media anyway.
"Propaganda does not qualify as a terrorist activity," the Pentagon said in a statement.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Steven Spielberg: proudly of, by, and for the people (of Hollywood)



I've preferred watching the Golden Globes to the Oscars over the past decade. Mainly because even at its most snobbish, the Globes include television, which hasn't yet found a way for the good stuff to be known as the good stuff without the approval of the viewing public.

Last night, though, nearly put me off movies for good. Seriously. I went to bed mildly depressed.

I had recorded it, enabling me to burn through the whole thing in an hour or so -- '24' on another channel had first dibs on my valuable TV time -- but viewed even at double speed, the complete lack of connection to anything that made me fall in love with movies (and by extension award shows) was painfully apparent.

Only once last night did the magic of movies make me sit up and smile. It lasted all of 30 seconds, as clips from the first half of Steven Spielberg's career were shown for his Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award.

You know the ones I'm talking about -- Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Close Encounters -- back when he made movies, not films. Back when entertaining audiences with the raw energy of Duel defined him over the more recent need to "give back" with depressing, important fare like Munich or even the excellent but trying Schindler's List.

I know he made The Color Purple in 1985, and he can still be a ton of fun today ala War of the Worlds. But I could clearly feel the "magic" of his body of work fading as the clips marched toward the present day.

Then Spielberg himself explained why in his speech moments later.

Referring to the entertainment that put a smile on the face of a depressed nation in the 1930's -- later, not coincidentally, to become known as the "Golden Age of Hollywood" -- Spielberg said:
"In these hard economic times, we'll be asked to make movies for broader and broader audiences, but we can't forget that we're an audience of individuals first."
That sounded promising... Until he explained next that his fellow creatives in the (well-insulated, high-security) room were, in fact, the individuals to whom he was referring and from whom he today draws his "inspiration" to create.

It was a particularly sad Freudian slip at the end of a speech which had began with a great story of how the magic of a childhood trip to "the movies" -- specifically a Cecil B. DeMille-directed scene of pure spectacle -- had launched his love of movies.

In other words, Steven Spielberg, perhaps the greatest natural filmmaker in history, was drawn into the magic from the outside, as a citizen of flyover country, by a movie made for broad audiences, yet today his focus is largely on the closed system in which he exists today.

Which is all the long, sad way of validating what conservatives have been saying about Hollywood in general, and these awards shows in particular, for more than a decade now -- that what once proudly billed itself as the "art form for the masses," what used to be the alternative to opera and high-falutin' theater, has itself become the roped-off playground for the nation's creative aristocracy.

Come back to us, Steven. You've still got it, with more talent in your little finger than everyone else in that room combined. I won't lie and say we need you now more than ever necessarily. We'll get by. But, man, do we miss you.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Prince Harry to be shot by firing squad

If there's any doubt in your mind that the United States is the last bastion of freedom in the world (for now), consider this -- In the U.K. there is an inquiry...an official government inquiry...into this.

President Bush -- mumbling off into the sunset


As his eight years in office comes to a close, I'd so much rather be singing the praises of George W. Bush. Obviously I appreciate all he's done to fight terrorism like a man. And I thank God he was in charge when it was time to name key members of the Supreme Court.

But in every other respect, he single-handedly broke the Republican brand by inaction or actively advancing the cause of liberalism and internationalism over party ideals and allegiance to country.

And, if it's all the same to you, he'd like that near perfect record to continue after he's gone.
"It's very important for our party not to narrow its focus, not to become so inward looking that we drive people away from a philosophy that is compassionate and decent," the president said in an interview on "Fox News Sunday" that was aired today. "We shouldn't have litmus tests as to whether or not you can be a Republican. And we should be open-minded about big issues like immigration reform, because if we're viewed as anti-somebody -- in other words, if the party is viewed as anti-immigrant -- then another fellow may say, well, if they're against the immigrant, they may be against me."
The logic in that last line... I don't even know where to begin.

Did he just actually look us in the eye and tell us we can't win unless we're pro-everybody?? How on God's green earth did we let this man walk around with his GOP secret decoder ring for the better part of a decade?

And then there's "We shouldn't have litmus tests on whether or not you can be a Republican."

Yeah... Party platforms are so exclusionary. Even the name, "Republican"... What is that anyway? We need something more pro-people and democracy. Ooo! How about something like Democrat?

Man, just strap that cardboard cutout we call Barack Obama behind the wheel and roll this sucker off the cliff already. I'll take death by giant fireball over lingering on forever any day.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Iran says no to suicide tours of the Holy Land


Tehran U., baby! We're number one! We're number one!

Don't you love it when the universe supplies its own punchline?

I can just see the flyer posted in the student union at Tehran University, easy-tear tabs and all. Intramural softball... Scrapbooking... Sign-ups for suicide attacks in Israel!

Sure, it's an easy way to boost your grade in Infidel Studies, but realistically how does this get you a job after graduation?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

2009 Razzie nominees



Apparently someone leaked the nominations before they've been officially announced, but apart from Tom Cruise (Valkyrie was a fine film) and Stallone (a Razzie fixture nominated mainly out of tradition), it's a pretty dead-on list.

Or you could just white out the Oscar ballot and have another fine list of Razzie contenders. Here's hoping Dark Knight cleans up this year and reverses the trend of political, anti-populist, too-cool-for-school snobbery that has torpedoed the Academy Awards the last few years.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Islam is a many splendored thing

During the same event at which his mob tells Jews to "go back to the ovens," this Imam says folks just need to be educated "about what Islam really is, so they can appreciate the beauty of it."

Thanks for clearing that up for us.

You ask me, the only education needed is the schooling Hamas is enjoying courtesy of the Israeli Defense Force. (Now if only a few of those shells could find their way to inner city Ft. Lauderdale.)

'Tron 2' casting update


Garrett Hedlund is set for the lead in Tron 2 (...or TR2N, Tron 2.0, Tron: The Wrath of Flynn, or whatever they're calling it this week).

Hedlund has been far better than good in everything I've seen him in so far. Making this another fine choice in a string of great choices that include bringing back Jeff Bridges, rolling the dice on a dynamic new director in Joseph Kosinski (check out his YouTube portfolio films), and shooting it all in true, 100% 3D.

Here me now and believe me later, this thing is going to be huge. Groundbreaking huge.

And with Hedlund confirmed as the protagonist, CinemaBlend's intriguing theory of Jeff Bridges returning as the villain is looking more on the money.
"...In the first movie a programmer named Flynn (Jeff Bridges) is sucked inside the computer to be destroyed. In the sequel, it sounds like the computer is bringing a programmer inside to help defend it. The test footage from Comic Con hinted at the possibility that Jeff Bridges might be playing the bad guy, an evil computer entity in the sequel. If that’s the case, it might actually make sense for a digitized Flynn, once a computer programmer himself, to bring in another programmer to aid him in fighting off rebels led by his once friend, Tron."
Oh, also...? I'm not a geek.

Making sweet moola with Uncle Rico

People right here in the U.S. rolling their own. Who knew the secret to solving our economic problems was this easy? Besides the government, I mean.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

"I was in the pool! I was in the pool!!"

Man, talk about your most embarrassing moment. Or would that be "bare-assing" moment? Poor guy.

(Warning: Contains nudity. Lilly-white nudity.)

Big Hollywood up and running


Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood blog is a go.

Edited by former Libertas and Dirty Harry's Place dynamo John Nolte, it looks like a winner so far. Drop on by and say hey, then give 'em a prominent bookmark.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Disney salutes the troops



And not just in any old way, either.
"Through June 12, 2009, each active or retired member of the U.S. military can receive one complimentary three-day "Disney's Armed Forces Salute" Park Hopper ticket valid for admission to both Disneyland and Disney's California Adventure parks. During the offer period, active or retired U.S. military personnel also may make a one-time purchase of an adult or child three-day "Disney's Armed Forces Salute Companion" Park Hopper ticket for up to five family members (including spouse) or friends for the price of an adult 1-Day Park Hopper ticket."
That is a sweet deal. Even if the economy was humming along just fine, which it isn't.
"For so many of the men and women who serve in our U.S. military, time together with their families is cause enough for celebration," said Jay Rasulo, chairman of Walt Disney Parks and Resorts. "We are grateful for their service and hope 'Disney's Armed Forces Salute' will allow our troops to create wonderful, magical memories with their family and friends."
I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time they've done something like this. Either way, Walt would be proud.

Now, by the way, is probably a great time to stock up on undervalued Disney shares for a long-term hold. That Jonas Brothers 3D concert is going to be the fiscal cherry on a tasty sundae currently being scooped by Bob Iger.

(Still bummed they're leaving Voyage of the Dawn Treader in the lurch, tho. Details here.)

Mattel Films!


It's official. Hollywood just ran out of ideas.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Scribblers pulling out of Iraq

The mainstream press is done with Iraq.
" “The war has gone on longer than a lot of news organizations’ ability or appetite to cover it,” said Jane Arraf, a former Baghdad bureau chief for CNN who has remained in Iraq as a contract reporter for The Christian Science Monitor."
Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact there's no more bad news to report because we've won, would it? Hmm...

Afghanistan is where they're all heading next, of course. Plenty of tales to spin of woe and U.S. barbarism there yet.

Then again, with a new president in charge -- one for whom, remember, Chris Matthews says it's the press' duty to help make successful -- we might get some good news at last.

(Hat tip Michael Yon.)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Pardon?


President Bush has issued his latest pardons. This time meth dealers and illegal immigrant smugglers-for-profit have been turned loose, but not two border patrolmen whose darkest crime -- assuming for a drunken moment the whole thing wasn't a political payoff to Mexico in the first place -- was the non-lethal fanny wounding of a dead-to-rights, repeat-offender drug runner who had illegally crossed the border these two were sworn to secure with state-issued, bullet-shooting weapons.

Could Dubya be the most liberal Republican president ever? Definitely. Prove me wrong here. And among presidents of any party, I'd put him somewhere between FDR and LBJ at this point. (Only because I have a feeling I'd like LBJ's pardons more than these so far. Otherwise, no difference at all.)

I know all presidents free some strange birds, the understanding being that these cases arrive on the desk with issues, serious questions or extenuating circumstances attached.

But there was ever a case that qualified for review, it's Ramos and Compean. You've had congressmen on both sides of the aisle lobbying against this miscarriage of justice for months now, for Pedro's sake. There's just no excuse.

A 10+ year sentence for each is nearly as hard to understand as this lack of respect from their commander in chief.

Still time left to do the right thing, sir. Don't make me come down there and start throwing shoes.