Osama bin Lopez

Are we the last sane country on earth? I mean, seriously...

Funniest part is how Osama works for tips.

Don't be a dip

By George, he's onto something

A new Seinfeld-inspired medical study is out, just in time for your neighborhood Superbowl party. Remember that whole chips-n-dip dispute involving everyone's favorite Costanza? The experts have made a ruling...

“The way I would put it is, before you have some dip at a party, look around and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here? Because you don’t know who might be double dipping..."

(And speaking of people you don't want to be sharing your dip with, thanks to Dean-o in Fresn-o for the heads up on this one!)

Free Sean Young!

You go, girl

I realize Sean Young has a reputation for being a little...unbalanced at times. But yelling at another long winded award nominee to move it along is very sane behavior. She should have been given an instant People's Choice Award instead of getting bounced from the joint.

Little People, Big Heist

Tjuv och Polis!

I lived in Sweden for a couple years as a teen. Apart from a few stolen cans of pepparkakor around Jul, we never had much of a problem with the wee folk. Seems there's a regular Keebler crime spree going on over there right now, though.

Out on a Ledger

So you're saying what exactly now?

They never miss an opportunity to bash Mel Gibson, do they?

...Barresi said a 'major Hollywood producer' told him that Ledger asked Gibson whether he should play the part of [Brokeback Mountain gay cowpoke] Ennis, and 'Gibson strongly counseled against it. The role apparently ran counter to Gibson's morality. And he felt that it would ruin Heath's career,' the News reported.

But Ledger ignored the suggestion and signed on to do the film anyway, leading to a rift with Gibson, according to the News.

When Gibson parted ways with Heath, it broke his heart, Barresi told the paper.

In the end, Ledger's performance in Brokeback won him critical accolades, an Oscar nomination and newfound respect as a serious, talented and complex actor, allowing him to shed his image as just another Hollywood heartthrob."

That would be critical accolades and newfound respect from everyone but audiences of movies anybody actually watches. And Ledger reportedly went out of his way during Brokeback's press junket to bash gays and otherwise distance himself from the role.

In other words, he knew Mel was right.

Heath's loss is a huge tragedy to be sure, no doubt ultimately to take its place among the great celebrity early deaths of all time. I guarantee it will also magnify his actual impact on the industry beyond all reality. (This is, after all, the guy who recently gave us the supremely lame Wassup Rockers.)

Chalk this one up to the "live fast, love hard, die young And leave a beautiful memory" phenomenon.

The Blob that ate...Lewiston?

Speaking of obscure creature features...

Studios open the vaults

Coming soon to DVD?

This just in from IMDB.

Hewlett-Packard has signed a deal with Sony Pictures to turn out DVDs from the studio's library whenever customers request them, the Los Angeles Times reported today (Thursday). The deal will allow consumers to order movies that ordinarily would not be stocked by dealers because they are too obscure or too old. HP indicated that it expects to sign similar deals with other studios. "We're hoping this provides another option to make available products that wouldn't necessarily garner widespread retail shelf space," Jason Spivak, head of strategic development at Sony Home Entertainment, told the Times. Added Doug Warner, head of HP's digital content business, "If studios can sell more catalog than previously, they can generate more money."

A brilliant idea long overdue. Now if they can finally get me that flying car they've been promising for 40 years.

Here's hoping Disney gets on board so I can finally get my hands on Return to Treasure Island: The Miniseries. (Only to have my youthful memories crushed by how cheesy it actually plays today, no doubt.)

Sports chick damns self at celebrity roast

Reporting from the Lake of Fire...

Dana Jacobson is an ugly bitch. Being a woman, she has a small brain, is inferior to all men and fit professionally only to give massages or wash the laundry of men. She slept her way into her job at ESPN, and given her looks, should be grateful even for that.

Shocked? Just making a point.

If someone in the public eye had said that, even at a roast, they'd be out of a job the next morning. If they'd said similar things about Jews, Martin Luther King or Mohammed, same result. (Actually, in the case of Mohammed, they might end up stabbed to death on a sidewalk in Amsterdam.)

But Jacobson can yell out "F--- Jesus!" for laughs and walk away with a (rumored) week-long suspension. She's reportedly been "disciplined," anyway, but the powers that be at ESPN refuse to confirm even this light slap on the wrist.

Hey, at least the assembled sports crowd booed Jacobson off the stage. When Kathy Griffin inspired her with last year's "Suck it, Jesus!" knee-slapper at the Emmys, she got a standing ovation.

The pair have reportedly also been given first-class tickets on a specially chartered bullet train to hell for use at a later date.

Giant plans for AT&T Park

Splash (on the right, as usual) at the feet of a Giant

Looks like the spectacular neighborhood of my beloved San Francisco Giants is about to get even sweeter. This news of the true Happiest Place on Earth will appeal to relatively few readers of the Wavelength. And by relatively few, I mean my relatives, most of whom are Giants fans. Click here, gang.

Delegates count

Curious how the current delegate-count stands for the Republicans or Democrats?

Click here for the running total and a slew of hypothetical head-to-head matchups for the ultimate prize. Not that you can believe the polls, but they are interesting. Mainly for the fact that they seem to indicate that Hillary would be easier to beat than B. Hussein Obama across the board.

As of this writing, the tally doesn't include Romney's just-in win in Nevada. He's in the lead for the GOP nomination for now. It'll be interesting to see if his new Rudy-esque strategy to gather just enough delegates from key states will bear fruit.

Could make for a real free-for-all come convention time.

Man, I can't wait for Super Tuesday. It's on like Donkey Kong, baby.

Michigan got it Right

I'm overdue for my take on Michigan. I'm overdue for a new post, period. I think I even have a book or two overdue at the library right now. But since I stayed up too late watching TiVo'd American Idol for the second night in a row, let me phone it in with the latest from Ann Coulter, who puts it better than I could anyway.

"...One clue that Romney is our strongest candidate is the fact that Democrats keep viciously attacking him while expressing their deep respect for Mike Huckabee and John McCain. ... Doesn't that raise the tiniest suspicions in any of you? ... Dear Republicans: Please do one-tenth as much research before casting a vote in a presidential election as you do before buying a new car. ... Are you familiar with our 'no exchange/no return' policy on presidential candidates?"

Preach it, sister. (And thanks for the day off.)

Filed under "Ewwwwwww!"

Hey, they felt an "inevitable attraction" to each other. Who are we to judge?

I mean, we can't choose who we fall in love with, right? There's no such thing as normal in matters of the heart, is there? What right have we, the non-twins of the world, to horde the institution of marriage from these two and their meaningful, monogamous relationship?

Bottom line, they didn't choose to be twins. God made them this way.

Because, as former famous person Garth Brooks enlightened us during the Clinton years, "when we're free to love whoever we choose...we shall be free."

(By the way, keep your calendars open. My wife and I will be marrying our cat sometime in the Spring and you're all invited. We're registered at Petco and 9Lives.com.)

Ho-down for Hillary! (No pun intended.)

Gotta hand it to her. Hillary looked down and out, but 24 hours and a few tears later, she pulls a win out of her formidable backside.

And may I just say, Sandy Berger is amazing. Smuggling a handful of incriminating 9/11 documents out of a federal building is one thing, but to move that many extra ballots into a busy counting room? Those are some serious cargo pants.

But good for her. Get up on your feet now, America, and join Elijah Wood in the official Hillary Clinton Victory Dance!

Raiders of a lost art

Like that? Raiders of a lost art...? Yeah, me either.

But you will enjoy Vanity Fair's piece on the upcoming Indiana Jones film.

Light on plot details, but solid assurances that every effort has been made to deliver the experience we're expecting. Spielberg even held special sessions with his new DP to emulate the previous films' now vintage look.

They've also resisted change in the editing booth.

"...Quick-cutting is very effective in some movies, like the Bourne pictures, but you sacrifice geography when you go for quick-cutting. ... Indy is a little more old-fashioned than the modern-day action adventure.”

In other words, no shaky-cam style "upgrades." Another smart move. I don't mind the phenomenon itself as much as many out there, but it doesn't belong here.

Or forget the new film and enjoy this for the biographical fun, including how Spielberg and Lucas became friends, exactly when and where they came up with the idea for Indiana Jones, etc.

I'm convinced you could learn more about movies by cleaning toilets at Amblin when Spielberg's around than at four years of film school. Whatever you think of his politics, the man is a genius when it comes to his craft. And he rattles it off like he's ordering pancakes at IHOP.

"...The script, Spielberg says, can provide the blockbuster pace. 'Part of the speed is the story,' he says. 'If you build a fast engine, you don’t need fast cutting, because the story’s being told fluidly, and the pages are just turning very quickly. You first of all need a script that’s written in the express lane, and if it’s not, there’s nothing you can do in the editing room to make it move faster. You need room for character, you need room for relationships, for personal conflict, you need room for comedy, but that all has to happen on a moving sidewalk.' ”

Lucas on the other hand is confirmed as more lucky than great.

It's not that he isn't exceptionally talented. American Graffiti remains one of the best films ever shot. But his wise choice to insulate himself from Hollywood after Star Wars has also sealed him off from reality. (Observe his self-deluded defense of Jar-Jar among other things.) Clearly, tragically a man among yes-men.

Don't miss the Web-exclusive Q&A's with Spielberg and Lucas for some of the best stuff here.

Exclusive new 'Rambo' clips!

Everyone's all excited about the return of Rambo this month. I was too until I saw this pirated footage today. The special effects are OK I guess, but it needs subtitles...or something.

Happy 2008!

We're back! At least back to the keyboard. After a long night of fireworks and Dutch Oven eats on New Year's Eve, the family and I pretty much spent the day itself in-house, watching bowl games, grubbing on fine junk foods (mmm...pineapple rolls...), playing games, breaking down the Christmas decorations and having fun with the kids.

New Year's Day has become one of my favorite holidays of the year. There's just something about the promise of a new beginning every 365 days, the satisfaction of reflecting on progress made, the blessing of a point in time to leave your sins and failed resolutions in the rearview.

So thanks be to God for the year behind and the new days ahead. And thanks to all our faithful readers for sticking with us into '08!

Et tu Kenya?

Here we go again

I know we're supposed to hold hands and dance around the MLK Middle School maypole singing songs about how better off Africa is since throwing off the chains of colonial rule, but I'm guessing horror and barbarism on this magnitude wouldn't be happening if England was still benevolently dictating Kenya. And the death toll is rising.

Or, as the masters of politically correct understatement at CNN so kindly put it, "Tribal bonds color Kenyan politics."

Sad, sad, sad. Such a beautiful place otherwise. (Kenya, not CNN.)

And why, oh why, hasn't Congress pressured the U.N. to enact stricter machete control laws already?? Rwanda... Darfur... Nigeria... Zimbabwe... It always comes back to the evil machete. And very probably the machete-industrial complex. Because if any place on earth needs the awesome power of the 10-day waiting period, Africa's it.

Sorry about some of this. My defense of imperialism is no doubt hard to accept -- even to me. And yes, I realize formerly British India is a rising economic power at this very moment.

But let's have a show of hands... Who really thinks it would have taken this long or the smell would have gotten quite so bad in India if legions of snooty Anglo monarchists were still sipping tea on every street corner while plotting to make off with the exotic spices and zoo animals?

Exaaaaactly.

Love me, hate me... I am but your humble John-Leguizamo-as-Toulouse-Lautrec-in-Moulin-Rouge. ("I only speak the twuth...I only speak the twuth...I only speak the twuth!")